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relaxation of the whole body... (Doctor directed counting to 10;
pt. slowly and laboriously reached 4. Then was out. Stayed that
way for about 4 to 5 minutes)&
"It's as though -- you know how the barriers go down with LSD
-- with pentothal the barriers go down with the body. The body
has a sort of mystic experience& we are all related at some
level& it's all one, and the very phenomenon of being separate
gives us the misperception that our body organism is separated
from those of others.
"The pentothal gives us the feeling body-wise that we are not
separate -- we are all part of the whole& It is incredibly
therapeutic -- to hell with repressed early memories -- the point
is to live life more fully, and if you can lower the barriers --
not necessarily sexual, but the barriers we feel&
"I see how addicts hook into barbiturates -- capacity to
unite with body. Alleviates cultural and environmental
inhibitions falsely put on us& The difficulty is that it doesn't
have the clarity of consciousness of LSD& The cortical inhibition
against the body is in abeyance& (Doctor gives new syringe full)
"It allows the rational mind to accept the body as a working
partner& Allows one to accept body in relationship to environment -
- joyous, not reviled, not ridden by Puritanism& Maybe the early
sexual experiences of these patients which they can't bring up are
so extremely set because of Puritanism. If an individual
acknowledged the body wholly, it wouldn't matter what happened in
childhood& One of the blocks of this society is the terrible
degradation of the body. The mind is intensified or somehow made
into a deity.
"Pentothal brings a person back to his own body without guilt
-- because the body feels good and feels in relationship. It is
in relationship with things as they are -- in the environment...
It is a physical mysticism, and I see the secret of the drug
addict. I am sure when he gets morphine it is the same way. It
allows his body to come alive and be accepted and part of the
universe& I understand the drug addict. Their bodies are dead, and
the drug brings their bodies alive again. When your body feels
dead, you feel dead. When the psyche feels dead, you feel dead.
It is a cellular thing almost, and the same warmth which I know as
love in relationship and sexuality, pentothal gives you
biochemically the warmth& it counteracts the isolation&
176
"Sexuality is one channel, and if we channel everything into
it, we lose the multiplicity of the sensuality. This is a
physiological feeling of oneness, and the Puritan society has
denied us this. It makes clear why the Indian mystics do better
than mystics of the West. They allow the body warmth into the
psychic warmth& It is as though I feel color in my whole body. The
point of this is physiological integration& Body counts more than
mind, and this gets both together -- like getting male and female
together. To hell with repressed memories. People can accept
themselves operating in their environment& Almost mystic experience
with pentothal making the unity. Step to ultimate integration&
Many years later the importance of the body was to be
"rediscovered" through body work and rolfing, and change was to
result from work on the body as dramatic in effect as that of the
drug work.
The next important session was the group session at Tecate,
Mexico on June 8, 1963 (report written July 28, 1963) which turned
out to have been far more important than we ever could have
guessed at the time. LSD was illegal in the US at this time, but
not in Mexico. The summer before Tim Leary and his group had gone
to Zihuatenejo and had a series of sessions while living
communally. We decided to go to Tecate for our session, and a
psychiatrist (J.W.) flew in to supervise medically.
What appeared to happen was that, at one point, the Leary
group must have been having a big session in Zihuatenejo, because
we had to hold -- without any movement at all-- for what seemed
like an eternity -- during which time it seemed that we were under
"attack" from something from somewhere else.
"I remember recognizing the schizoid 'thing' - it looks sort
of like a white ghost parrot -- whitish with a large beak which
hooks into people. Then there was quite a bit of the blood red-
orange& some sort of rage. There were other important things, but
177
many of them were beyond my present knowledge or experience to
identify. It was as though they came from other places; other
planets, and we as yet cannot identify them& "
It was as though we were kept from harm by not moving at all.
Later, when it was over and we all compared notes, it was as
though we had been under attack by "outside forces", and we had to
keep completely motionless for an interminable period or "they"
would have attacked or landed. All this may sound like craziness,
but we all felt it strongly. The odd part was that the same
weekend, someone was found murdered outside the Leary compound in
Zihuatenejo, and the group was forcibly ejected from Mexico. It
was as though, we all felt, that these "others" were going to
attack, but by our group being under authority and not moving at
all, we were spared, and whatever difficulty there was, landed on
Zihuatenejo, not Tecate.
There were other important occurrences during that session --
earlier working through repressed incidents for people, later an
exorcism performed by half the group under W.G.'s authority (he
was magnificent through the first no-movement part and the
exorcism) -- and then a violent episode with our ex-schizoid. But
that also was handled creatively, his hostility was accessed, he
got it out and broke down in tears -- completely different. It
was an unbelievable 36 hours!
The next session was another drug-testing session. We had a new
batch of supplies" from T.S. The date was July 27, 1963 (report
written 7/28), and I took 15 gamma LSD and 5 mg. methedrine. W.M.
and W.S. also had the same, although I took mine earlier to see
how it felt.
178
"It came in terms of nausea -- of L.Z., load, of Will, and I
cried. It was that the heaviness of having to do absolutely
everything myself for the children with Will going up to Palo
Alto" (to SRI) I felt such sadness also that Will was beginning
to change, to do the things which I had tried to get him to do --
but too late! This really hit me... I had the feeling that the
weight of the load would never end; also felt very clearly where
my hook-in was -- that I didn't want to let go of help in
relationship in life and with the children. Will is a wonderful
father and helps with many things& my flip into seeing that the
battle was just about over and that actually, it was just that old
cliche, darkest before the dawn. I let go and cried about this...
After I got through to the good of it, I began to laugh and it was
great fun... We soon went back to the M.'s and tried to eat
something but weren't hungry& Mine attenuated around D.B.& W.M. had
put the stereo on, and he had D.B. try the earphones, which he
seemed to enjoy& (we curled up on the floor to listen, and the drug
action flooded back). As I looked at D.B. I began to cry to know
that I had brought him through the difficulties; it was rough, but
I was being freed, but not at the price of the kids because we had
made it through the Scylla and Charybdis. I told him I wasn't
crying because I was sad, and he said that he knew; he was very
carefully looking at me and seeing how right the situation was for
me and how it was a help for me. He is really gaining wisdom far
beyond his years.
"I don't know whether the archetypal business started then or
later... I suddenly saw that I must accept the power of death...
It was like two huge monolithic stones facing each other -- the
white of life; the black of death. Life is the female power and
black the male& I saw Armageddon& I was the angel of death& And
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